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11 THINGS GAY MEN MASTURBATED TO BEFORE THE INTERNET (UPDATED)

MARKY-MARK

A few years ago, I asked a guy, a porn star, to tell me about the first porn he ever saw. Sean Cody, he replied. Ugh. You damned kids. In the era before the internet porn — before DVD porn, even — these are the meager pickings that I was forced to cobble together in order to make showernozzle masturbation material.

 

1. Jim Palmer

jim-palmer-jockey-ad

 

You know that you’re hard up when you’re taking Time Magazine into the bathroom three times a day. Welcome to my 14th year. If you want to know how hard it was to find porn — or even pictures of naked men — all you have to do is look at Jim Palmer (I think he’s a golfer?) with his David Hasselhoff hair, milquetoast body, Jane Fonda weights and funderwear.

 

2. I, Claudius

i-claudius-patrick-stewart_5_l-1-

I can’t actually find a video of the scene, but there’s a scene maybe in the 8th episode where two old men wash themselves with olive oil in a sauna. You may or may not be able to see the top of a buttcrack. Walk, don’t run, to your local library’s VHS collection.

 

 

3. Heathers

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Unlike I, Claudius, I actually owned Heathers, not just because it was terribly faggy, but because there’s one scene where you can see muscle jocks — this was the beginning of straight muscle jockdom, something that didn’t really exist in the 80s outside of gay porn — stripping down for a prospective threeway with Winona Rider. They die of course, but I loved my dead gay musclejocks.

 

4. This Copy of Playgirl

robby-benson-playgirl

To this day, I don’t really know who Robby Benson is, and he never got naked enough in the issue to pique my interest. But otherwise, I masturbated the hell out of this magazine. It was in my cool aunt’s magazine rack and on holidays I’d make some excuse to ‘plant it’ on someone as a gag. This would give me a chance to handle it, open it up and memorize the pictures. Later, I began ripping out pages (the Rear Views spread (below right)! The Honk if You Like Playgirl ad! Edward-Tombridge Wells (below left)) and hiding them under an old sink in an abandoned trailer.

 

5. The Calvin Klein Underwear Ad

calvin-klein-underwear-ad

Granted, this was a little before my time, but it — and it’s progeny — still appeared if you looked hard enough. In 8th grade, I won a history award from the Daughters of the American Revolution, based mostly on my fervor for looking through old magazines looking for this.

6. Undergear/International Male

International Male, 1991tumblr_kxq02k7Qag1qawuo0o1_500

Even then, it was outrageous. A catalog full of almost entirely naked men wearing things like “The Sock,” something that even a Baltimore strippers is too proud to sport. How this managed to make it into straight households across the nation — I can’t even tell you. But it was one of my most treasured possessions.

7. American Gladiators


I was really intro Nitro — “cocky, explosive, and always aggressive.” Before this, the WWF was about as good as it got.

8. The Soloflex Commercial

If I had not been afraid of baseballs and most things sports related, I might have been able to argue to my parents that I was ordering the brochure to become manly. But instead of going out for peewee football, I was home watching General Hospital, so I just settled for finding programs where they showed the commercial, and taping them.

 

10. Marky Mark Wahlberg

This still floors me. It blew all those old Bowflex ads out of the water, and may be the point at which I started staring at men’s tits. 22 years later (!) I’m still mouth agape at his body.

10. JC Penney Catalog

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You just would pretend you could see a bulge, or any hint of more than a Ken crotch. Of all the things, I think this is the most desperate.

11. Tony Danza in The Shower

Is still masturbate to this. PAN DOWN! PAN DOWN!

What did I miss?

Related:
My First Porno: The Unabashed Queer on “The Bigger The Better”

 

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40 Responses to “11 THINGS GAY MEN MASTURBATED TO BEFORE THE INTERNET (UPDATED)”

  1. christian wilde says:

    Oh my god. That music video makes me glad I was born in the 80′s. I love the history, but that shit was a little painful to watch. Marky Mark is hot as fuck, but please dont do hip hop. EVER. AGAIN.

  2. Peter says:

    Oh my – the Marlboro men were some freakin’ hot way back when. One guy in particular did me in! I have looked for his ad, but have failed. Cripes some of thm were so Hot!

  3. Perry says:

    I remember making many pages sticky in my mom’s bossman’s Undergear catalog back in the mid 90s. I would always find a way to check the mail around the time it arrived, and it never made it to my mom’s bossman’s desk.

  4. Richard says:

    Peter Frampton’s shirtless posters and magazine covers, circa 1977, are forever immortalized in my mind. Ironically in 2013 guys with similar looks do nothing for me anymore.

  5. Taggart says:

    The Solofex free VHS that you got if you called the 800 number.

    American Gladiators. Which made me realize there was such a thing as overmuscled.

    The middle school viewing of The Outsiders after your class finished reading the book. C. Thomas Howell, Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise, Ralph Macchio, Matt Dillon, etc.

    Why are all the blond twinks from my childhood tv shows gay: Dan Pintaro, Chad Allen, and Neil Patrick Harris?

    Merchant Ivory movies. The pond scene in A Room with a View. All of Maurice was a soft core Ralph Lauren for my very young self.

    • emma says:

      My best friend Tim got the soloflex VHS tape, he was a closeted teenager back then, and he only told me of his secret…He watched it at my house because they had Beta…I think we watched that thing like 20 times straight, until he wordlessly, ejected the tape and went home…

  6. Aramis says:

    I started to masturbate at 10/11 years old when only porn material is available. At school, guys show me european straight porn magazines or cards that have couples in sex positions – of course I was more interested in the gentleman hehind the lady – and I became to use my imagination when in my bed or in the bathroom. I must add the bodies and dicks that I saw in dressing rooms and what I wacht on tv like old movies of 40′s, 50′s and 60′s with Johnny Weissmuller; Lex Barker; Gordon Scott; Steve Reeves etc: Tarzan. Maciste, Hercules and even fully dressed men in Western Spaghetti. Then american gay magazines started to arrive in my country: Mandate, Stallion… with pics of Mickey Squires, Donny(?)Russo etc. I had all magazines stored among my notebooks in my wardrobe.

  7. xxxlibido says:

    How about John Schneider in his tight blue jeans in the Dukes of Hazzard? I couldn’t miss an episode http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/17401801/homepage/name/homepage.jpg?type=sn

    • sean says:

      OMG ! Yes, yes, yes… The only reason I watched Dukes of Hazzard was to see Schneider’s bulge in his so deliciously tight jeans…

      • TalkDirtyToMe says:

        Hell yes to John Schneider. I can’t believe I sat through every week the absurd inane crap that was “The Dukes Of Hazzard” in hopes that he would take his shirt off. It only happened once. But I had many a session in the bathroom with my Tiger Beat poster of him.

        • Troy says:

          I loved the opening scene of,The Dukes when they were skinny dipping in the pond. Actually came for the first time imagining I was in there playing with them.

  8. Jett Blakk says:

    For the uninformed: Robby Benson was an actor who often played sensitive male leads. He was Billy Joe in ODE TO BILLY JOE (his speech about having gay sex really disheartened me the first time I saw it), Richie in the TV movie THE DEATH OF RICHIE (he seemed to die on film a lot…the ultimate in sensitivity), a priest in THE END, the male lead in ICE CASTLES and most notably, he was the voice of the Beast in the Disney animated film BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. He was also known for playing parts that didn’t really seem to fit his look, for example, he played an American Indian, a latino and a Jew (although not all in the same movie).

    But growing up, I found a pin-up picture of Robby in a teen magazine in which he was shirtless and wearing cut-off denim shorts. I flogged myself into oblivion many a time over that picture.

    Here’s a great article on Robby that explains him perfectly: http://www.salon.com/2002/11/12/robby/

    JB

  9. Anonymous says:

    the I, Claudius scene where 2 guys rub oil/scrap each other’s backs was episode 2 or 3- Tiberius and his brother Drusus- after they wrestle…in 1 version- they show Patrick Stewart’s butt- making out with Livilla- that was eisode 8- but they don’t always show it…the guy who played Herod is on DaVinci’s Demon’s- he has a frontal/dick shot on there

  10. HansNL says:

    Phew, too many to mention. But I remember the following wankworthy things vividly:

    -The Fourth Man and Spetters, 2 Dutch movies by Paul Verhoeven. To be honest I still get a boner watching them.

    -The Club Tropicana video by Wham, I believe it caused my first wet dream. A hairy George Michael in a white speedo on some rocks on the beach. It was simply too much for me at the time.

    -Advocate Men/Men magazine, my mother must have thought that I spend a little too much time in the bathroom.

    That’s enough embarrassing stories for you!

  11. James says:

    Back in the day, I would have easily agreed to marriage to Benson, the SoloFlex dude, and the lead actor from James at 15: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_at_15

  12. Mike says:

    Maybe I should mention that in second grade, I pinned up pictures of Michael Jackson to my wall and kissed them each before I went to sleep each night. I didn’t realize it was gay, exactly — but I tell “him” that if was a woman, I’d marry him. Not jerk off material exactly, but maybe the emotional equivalent of pre-cum.

  13. Mark says:

    One of the first things i remember getting all excited about was (and this is really embarassing) was the Village People movie “Can’t Stop The Music”. The construction worker in his tight denim, moustache and hard-hat, the indian in his fluffy briefs wiggling his butt and dick and even Steve Guttenberg – I can picture it all and I haven’t seen the movie in a long time!

  14. Thwaite says:

    This list separated my main masturbatory tool into two entries. The Mark Wahlberg Calvin Klein Boxer Brief ads. I would collect them from magazines and keep them in a sports bag under my bed. I don’t want to think of how many times a night I would look at those ads and soak them in semen. It did get me to empty the trash can in my room often. A few years later, my girlfriend liked to help me jerk off to the pictures. I was supposed to have a girlfriend, right?
    After 22 years, and 4 kids, she decided she was a lesbian, and I decided I wouldn’t have to play straight anymore. I will be moving in with my male lover soon.

  15. Terry says:

    What about Cinamax!

  16. John says:

    Living in a rural area back in the 70s, there was not much in the way of magazines I could get my hand on to jack off. First it was the men’s underwear section in the Sears and JCPenney catalogs. Yes, my young friends, I said catalogs. Back then, especially in the rural area, catalogs were the only way you could shop. Then when I got my driving license, I advanced to Play Girl, which was much better. Then one day, I found my older brother’s collection of the dirty, raunchily shit like Hustler, Penthouse, and my first look at truly porn magazines he had stuffed under his mattress. Although it was “straight” material, I got off looking at the guys.

    • TalkDirtyToMe says:

      I remember the infamous Sears catalog with the dick slip from the 70′s. I didn’t even know I was gay but I remember my obsession with that pic.

    • dvlaries says:

      I remember that! After Larry Flynt’s post gun-shot, born-again period, all of sudden Hustler started featuring couples and the magazine was soon slyly slipping in shots of the obviously erect men (Paul Barresi was one of them). Many of the pictures featured spread-assed shots (of the men!) two or three years before Blueboy or Honcho was trying anything so bold.

  17. Weboy says:

    Jim Palmer played for the Baltimore Orioles – 3rd base – and he was seriously sex on a stick. Also quite straight and a bit if a mess if one believes local gossip (it was the late seventies, after all). The jockey ads were insane. I had one along with a tenth anniversary playgirl I swiped from a store (yea magazine shops, also a relic of our past). And yes, stills of John Schneider. Jeebus.

  18. mike says:

    i remember most of these as stimulating, and plus the full face picture of herman on their album back. lots others.

  19. mike says:

    of course i mean herman’s hermitts

    • mike says:

      my first nyc pride parade with ,” we are family” and,” these boots were made for walking” playing all day during the parade.so nice.

  20. Mike says:

    I just realized I forgot Tony Danza in the shower of the opening credits of Who’s the Boss.

  21. Patrick says:

    Lion-O from the ThunderCats!!

  22. rdw says:

    This list is alright, but what did it for me (got me off) was the 1982 third installment of Rocky (Rocky 3) with Carl Wheathers & Sly Stallon running on the beach with their muscular thighs, just all around muscles flexing, was so hot! They were two of the most beautiful masculine male specimens I have ever seen at age thirteen. Oh yeah, also the year before that (1981) the movie “Tarzan” with Miles O’Kefe, (Sorry Bo Derreck, you just didn’t do it for me) that dude (what happen to him?) gave me a damn wet dream at 12!

  23. Ravenix says:

    My “I should have known then” moment was the first time I saw Lyle Waggoner in a Speedo playing Mark Spitz on The Carol Burnett Show. But since I didn’t have any pictures of that, count me among the fans of the JC Penney catalog’s men’s underwear section.

  24. TalkDirtyToMe says:

    Don’t forget Dr. Gonzo Gates (Gregory Harrison) stepping out of the shower every week on Trapper John M.D.

  25. um hey says:

    Erik Estrada on CHiPs.

  26. Nate says:

    I remember jerking off to a Calvin Klein Crave ad on the back of a magazine. I don’t find the model at all hot anymore (just Googled the ad) but at the time I did.

  27. Vida Boeheme says:

    The ads in the back of GQ in the 70s were about as close as you could get to porn. I used to go to the library with a razor blade and slice the ads out of the issues.

  28. dvlaries says:

    Oh, how well I remember. The Playgirl’s spread out on the floor all opened to the just-right men, the Vaseline (sometimes the dildo too) all at the ready.

    Well, if it’s a trip down memory lane you want, this place will keep you busy for hours
    http://www.blackdogue.net/

    Jimmy Hakim was a regular at those solo love sessions, squatted knees and feet to the floor, legs open in a ‘V,’ Jimmy and dat ass. 1975 and I was 21. If Jimmy’s still around he’s probably in a rest home today.

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